Finally Communicating

With his permission, I'm going to share with you a breakthrough that happened with my son today. He is NOT a talker. When he was in Kindergarten, I signed up to be the room mom mostly because I knew I would have no clue what was going on otherwise. Things have gotten a LITTLE better, partly from just getting older, and I would honestly say MOSTLY from our planners (which started out as printables until I figured out exactly what we wanted).  Here is how our Family Inspired Planner came to the rescue today and ended up being an AMAZING communication tool!

The morning started out as it usually does. My son and I were in the family room/kitchen area while I made breakfast and he played while his sister slept. He ate breakfast, got dressed, happily played with his sister when she woke up, just like he usually does. Then it was time to head to school and he started dragging his feet. Read me a story. Another story. I don't know where my shoes are. I don't feel very good. All the excuses he could think of so he wouldn't have to go to school.

Now, I have to tell you this kid LOVES school and LOVES spending time with other kids AND has the BEST. TEACHER. EVER. So when he doesn't want to go to school, I know something is up. Sometimes, it's something easy to figure out. For example, after there was a fire at school and they got an extra 2 days off while it was cleaned up, it was HARD to get back to school. There were a few tears, but he went without really struggling. Not today my friend.

We drove to the school, which actually takes longer than walking - but we were late and I was NOT going to carry him around the school to the front door. Of course he refused to get out of the car, climbed into the back, etc. (I know my Mom is laughing right now because this was me, only I was 100 times worse. Funny how we get kids that we totally GET, if you know what I mean.) That's the thing, I DO understand what he's going through. I remember not ever wanting to go to school. Except, I was deathly shy and he is SO social, so I knew it was something that had happened. But how to get him to talk to me? We talked a little bit in the car, but he was pretty closed off and insisted that he would talk to me if we went home.  What did this Mom of the Year do? I gave in.

We get home and you know what he does? GETS HIS PLANNER. He wants to go through the steps of solving a problem. Hold back the tears! Don't show the excitement! Inside I was BURSTING with pride (in a good way)!

At first, it was me asking yes/no questions and when we finally identified a few things he was afraid of, a few things that made him sad, and something that another kid had said that hurt his feelings, he TOTALLY opened up. We talked and talked AND TALKED. This is a MAJOR breakthrough with him! We discussed some possible solutions to the things he was afraid of, he asked some questions about things he had been thinking about, we read a couple books to break up all the seriousness, and we talked about feelings and how everybody has them, and they are a GOOD THING. They are part of what makes this human experience HUMAN. We talked about families, and how God put us together for a REASON. That parents have learned from their parents, who learned from their parents, and so on and so on. Our loving Heavenly Father did that ON PURPOSE so we wouldn't be alone in life. It was an amazing couple of hours. My proud Mommy moment came when he said that when people say mean things, he doesn't want to say mean things back or hurt their feelings. Instead he will tell himself that they aren't true and he is glad he is himself and not someone else. Smart kid.

We ended our conversation with him setting a goal to go to school even when he is afraid or sad, and to tell himself "I can do this!" when he feels like he can't. We can ALL do hard things. Hang in there Momma, YOU can do hard things too!

Miraculous Cure-All: Your Attention

Every child is different, and every situation is different. The trick to parenting is that we are all beginners just doing the best we can with whatever situation we find ourselves in. THANK GOODNESS we are not alone! Prayer is a rare gem my friend. It has helped me MANY a sleepless night (and tear-filled day)!

One thing I have realized in my frustration, sheer panic, motherhood journey is that there is one thing that works on every child, no matter their personality/phase they're going through/etc. That is, spending one on one quality time with each child DAILY. Yep, daily.

This will look different for every child, and every parent. The KEY is to ASK your child what THEY want to do or to LISTEN to what THEY are ASKING you!

If you feel added pressure trying to schedule time into your day, remember that the laundry/dishes/email/whatever will still be there in 10 minutes, but this precious opportunity to create memories may not.

I can't tell you how many times my kids have BEGGED me to come play whatever with them while I was up to my eyeballs in dishes/laundry/toys/chaos. I used to respond with "let me just finish this" (like that's ever going to happen. It's never finished!) One day, after several "interruptions" (if THAT doesn't make me feel guilty, not much will. I don't ever want my kids to feel like they are interruptions!) I stopped what I was doing and gave my toddler my undivided attention. The smiles, giggles, and JOY that I felt in that moment was worth everything. After about 5 minutes, my sweet boy was distracted and our moment was over. I went back to doing dishes, and he ran off to the playroom. I was happy. I felt fulfilled. 5 minutes. That was ALL it took!

I promise you, if you pause what you're doing and listen to your kids and show them that they matter, you will not regret it. BONUS: You will also make some sweet memories.

So your task (and mine) for the day is to LET them be #1 on your list.

Need help scheduling one on one time? Try holding a weekly "family council". We do these on Sunday afternoon. Find more about that here.

Update: Just a few minutes after I typed this post, my son came in asking for something. I immediately jumped up and asked him what he needed. (I know this isn't always possible, but it was for me right then.) Turns out he wanted to download a new game that I didn't feel good about. We had a discussion, he was mad at me, but didn't act out. Although he was sad, and told me he was mad at me, I used the old cliché "I'm doing this because I love you and want to protect you." Guys, I think he really believed me! (Which is good because that was the honest truth!) The discussion ended with him choosing a book to read to me, and he ended up SMILING. I'm telling you, this attention thing REALLY WORKS!