Help for Parenting a Child with Anxiety or Depression

As I've said before, I am an avid journal keeper. I love writing down my stories and having a collection of journals (both filled and empty) lined up on my shelf. However, in that collection of journals, there are one or two that didn't make it to the shelf. In fact, they ended up in the trash. Why? Because as I read through them, I felt depressed and empty. I didn't want to share that part of my life with anyone else. Yes, I struggle with depression, and although I have never officially been diagnosed, reading that journal and thinking back on my Elementary through High School experiences, it is very obvious that I struggled with depression.

The good news is that I made it through the "growing up" years without many scars, and that journal probably helped me deal with my feelings at the time. Being aware of my own struggles has helped me see the same struggles in others. More than anything, I want to help those children who are experiencing similar feelings find hope and enjoyment in life. One of the main reasons I developed the Family Inspired Planners was to strengthen the communication between parents and children, especially those who find it difficult to express their thoughts and/or feelings. I have found it extremely helpful with my own children and hope that others can benefit from it as well! Find out more here.

This has been on my mind a lot lately, because my own son has started to show some symptoms, one of which is withdrawing from things that he usually enjoys, like school and friends. Our Family Inspired Planners have helped IMMENSELY (read this post) but I keep wondering if it's time to seek professional help. If you're in the same boat, you might enjoy this video that arrived in my inbox last week! There are some good tips and things to be aware of.

As I was thinking about this topic, I found another great resource that may also be of help to you: https://www.adaa.org/living-with-anxiety/children

I have personally experienced that depression and anxiety are often misunderstood by anyone who hasn't experienced it themselves. It's not something you can just "get over", but it CAN be treated and overcome. There is hope.

Here is the link to the talk by Jeffrey R. Holland referred to in the video. It has been a source of incredible hope to myself and many people I know who also struggle with anxiety and/or depression.

It Will All Work Out

This is one of my favorite quotes, reminding me that it probably ISN'T as bad as I think it is! Just do your best and trust in God! Keep going! (Quote by President Gordon B. Hinckley, art by LDS.org)

Finally Communicating

With his permission, I'm going to share with you a breakthrough that happened with my son today. He is NOT a talker. When he was in Kindergarten, I signed up to be the room mom mostly because I knew I would have no clue what was going on otherwise. Things have gotten a LITTLE better, partly from just getting older, and I would honestly say MOSTLY from our planners (which started out as printables until I figured out exactly what we wanted).  Here is how our Family Inspired Planner came to the rescue today and ended up being an AMAZING communication tool!

The morning started out as it usually does. My son and I were in the family room/kitchen area while I made breakfast and he played while his sister slept. He ate breakfast, got dressed, happily played with his sister when she woke up, just like he usually does. Then it was time to head to school and he started dragging his feet. Read me a story. Another story. I don't know where my shoes are. I don't feel very good. All the excuses he could think of so he wouldn't have to go to school.

Now, I have to tell you this kid LOVES school and LOVES spending time with other kids AND has the BEST. TEACHER. EVER. So when he doesn't want to go to school, I know something is up. Sometimes, it's something easy to figure out. For example, after there was a fire at school and they got an extra 2 days off while it was cleaned up, it was HARD to get back to school. There were a few tears, but he went without really struggling. Not today my friend.

We drove to the school, which actually takes longer than walking - but we were late and I was NOT going to carry him around the school to the front door. Of course he refused to get out of the car, climbed into the back, etc. (I know my Mom is laughing right now because this was me, only I was 100 times worse. Funny how we get kids that we totally GET, if you know what I mean.) That's the thing, I DO understand what he's going through. I remember not ever wanting to go to school. Except, I was deathly shy and he is SO social, so I knew it was something that had happened. But how to get him to talk to me? We talked a little bit in the car, but he was pretty closed off and insisted that he would talk to me if we went home.  What did this Mom of the Year do? I gave in.

We get home and you know what he does? GETS HIS PLANNER. He wants to go through the steps of solving a problem. Hold back the tears! Don't show the excitement! Inside I was BURSTING with pride (in a good way)!

At first, it was me asking yes/no questions and when we finally identified a few things he was afraid of, a few things that made him sad, and something that another kid had said that hurt his feelings, he TOTALLY opened up. We talked and talked AND TALKED. This is a MAJOR breakthrough with him! We discussed some possible solutions to the things he was afraid of, he asked some questions about things he had been thinking about, we read a couple books to break up all the seriousness, and we talked about feelings and how everybody has them, and they are a GOOD THING. They are part of what makes this human experience HUMAN. We talked about families, and how God put us together for a REASON. That parents have learned from their parents, who learned from their parents, and so on and so on. Our loving Heavenly Father did that ON PURPOSE so we wouldn't be alone in life. It was an amazing couple of hours. My proud Mommy moment came when he said that when people say mean things, he doesn't want to say mean things back or hurt their feelings. Instead he will tell himself that they aren't true and he is glad he is himself and not someone else. Smart kid.

We ended our conversation with him setting a goal to go to school even when he is afraid or sad, and to tell himself "I can do this!" when he feels like he can't. We can ALL do hard things. Hang in there Momma, YOU can do hard things too!

Teaching Moments

Parenting, for me, is a glimpse into what God, our Heavenly Father, goes through with each one of us. His joy, and His pain. We are his children, and as I watch my children learn and grow, I can't help but think of how He is watching me as his child.

This morning, as we walked my son to school and then turned and faced the bright morning sun to walk home. It was so bright that my daughter covered her eyes and said "Guide me home Mommy. I'll walk in your shadow. Guide me home."

So trusting.

I couldn't help but draw a parallel between her trust in me to guide her home when she couldn't see and how our Father is always there to guide us home if we put our trust in Him. Children are so innocent and loving. They have a perfect faith. Yet, it is our responsibility to teach them to walk in the light. We just need to put our hand in God's, and trust Him to guide us through this journey. It was never meant to be made alone.

TIME OUT (for Women)

We were able to get away this weekend, which was REALLY good since we've been dealing with the flu. ALL. WEEK. LONG. I left the piles of laundry and didn't even feel bad about it. Luckily it was clean! The laundry was at least. The house? Not so much. The best part is I didn't regret it at all during this inspiring weekend! You need that recharge every once in awhile, and this was definitely the best one I've had in a loooong time! Spiritual messages, songs, and SISTERHOOD can do that to a person. (So glad my sister Monet and some of my amazing friends (who are like sisters) could come!) 

This was my first time attending and I seriously can't wait to go again. There's one in Arlington in the Fall and I'm tempted... 

So what is Time Out for Women? This is from their website: 

For 15 years, Time Out for Women has been inviting faithful women to step away from the daily routine and make space for themselves and their spiritual lives. What started as an inspirational weekend event full of music, cheering, presenters, friends, and laughter has grown into a worldwide community of like-minded women seeking good. Whether they connect through TOFW.com or at a local event, TOFW women are choosing to be uplifted, reenergized, educated, entertained, and inspired with thousands of women all over the world.

Yep, that about sums it up! I took PAGES of notes and seriously felt inspiration flowing through me. There will be so many pretty quotes made from this weekend. Here's the first of many to come:

Elaine S. Dalton quoted this in her presentation entitled "Holy Habits, Righteous Rituals". I was so inspired to plan small changes that will lead to mighty miracles, especially within my home and family. I recommitted to a few holy habits today and what a great day it was! I woke up early to start the day with a prayer and then read from the scriptures. It was amazing how much calmer the morning was, and everyone in the family has been happier all day! Sometimes (or all the time) it's hard to find quiet time during the busy day, so I've decided I have to make it a priority. Important things aren't always (or ever?) easy. 

I also stayed focus on some righteous rituals I have been trying to work on. I want to be healthier, for myself and my family, but eating healthy is NOT an easy thing for me. (Almost as hard as exercising, which is kind-of a bad combo!) I dream of the day where healthy meals and snacks for the week are all planned out and the refrigerator and pantry are stocked with all the healthy ingredients -- either that or a personal chef, but let's be real. I didn't get a full week of meal plans ready, nor did I hire a personal chef, but I DID make healthier meal choices for the day. It's not about being perfect, it's about making small changes that lead to great results. 

I have a long list of these small changes. Eating healthy, exercising, making my mornings more purposeful, listening to uplifting music... speaking of that... 

Friday evening was spent listening to David Archuleta perform. I've heard this song several times before, but it is one of those songs that light up my whole soul every time I hear it. The words, the music, the meaning... it's Glorious. (Literally. That's the title.) You can even download a free mp3 here.

So what small changes do you want to make? It's always easier with a friend. Comment here or on the facebook page and let's be accountability buddies!

Our planners came!

This was the test printing of our first planners and we were SO excited to see how they turned out!!! (FYI: They turned out GREAT!)

Miraculous Cure-All: Your Attention

Every child is different, and every situation is different. The trick to parenting is that we are all beginners just doing the best we can with whatever situation we find ourselves in. THANK GOODNESS we are not alone! Prayer is a rare gem my friend. It has helped me MANY a sleepless night (and tear-filled day)!

One thing I have realized in my frustration, sheer panic, motherhood journey is that there is one thing that works on every child, no matter their personality/phase they're going through/etc. That is, spending one on one quality time with each child DAILY. Yep, daily.

This will look different for every child, and every parent. The KEY is to ASK your child what THEY want to do or to LISTEN to what THEY are ASKING you!

If you feel added pressure trying to schedule time into your day, remember that the laundry/dishes/email/whatever will still be there in 10 minutes, but this precious opportunity to create memories may not.

I can't tell you how many times my kids have BEGGED me to come play whatever with them while I was up to my eyeballs in dishes/laundry/toys/chaos. I used to respond with "let me just finish this" (like that's ever going to happen. It's never finished!) One day, after several "interruptions" (if THAT doesn't make me feel guilty, not much will. I don't ever want my kids to feel like they are interruptions!) I stopped what I was doing and gave my toddler my undivided attention. The smiles, giggles, and JOY that I felt in that moment was worth everything. After about 5 minutes, my sweet boy was distracted and our moment was over. I went back to doing dishes, and he ran off to the playroom. I was happy. I felt fulfilled. 5 minutes. That was ALL it took!

I promise you, if you pause what you're doing and listen to your kids and show them that they matter, you will not regret it. BONUS: You will also make some sweet memories.

So your task (and mine) for the day is to LET them be #1 on your list.

Need help scheduling one on one time? Try holding a weekly "family council". We do these on Sunday afternoon. Find more about that here.

Update: Just a few minutes after I typed this post, my son came in asking for something. I immediately jumped up and asked him what he needed. (I know this isn't always possible, but it was for me right then.) Turns out he wanted to download a new game that I didn't feel good about. We had a discussion, he was mad at me, but didn't act out. Although he was sad, and told me he was mad at me, I used the old cliché "I'm doing this because I love you and want to protect you." Guys, I think he really believed me! (Which is good because that was the honest truth!) The discussion ended with him choosing a book to read to me, and he ended up SMILING. I'm telling you, this attention thing REALLY WORKS!